three times

jessica's mom was doing that thing she did. that thing with the rag in the sink. rinsing and wringing. rinsing and wringing. rinsing and wringing. three times. everything, three times. grandma did the same thing. but not jessica, she only did everything twice and if everything went according to plan, her children would turn out normal - they'd only count everything once.

jessica watched her mother folding the towels. one fold, two fold, three. and then they were neatly put away on the shelf, nine towels in three stacks of three. jessica's brother came upstairs for an afternoon snack of easy cheese straight to the mouth. to her, his oblivion was a miracle. his big stupid bowls of cereal and milk. their mother folding his big stupid underwear. three times. even his cheese was easy. he just looked at her and smiled, orange squishing out the corners of his big stupid mouth. he didn't count anything.

jessica's braids were too tight, always pulling her in a direction she didn't want to go. they had ended up here at grandma's, where grandma was always placing judement like sad little trophies around the tidy house, forcing jessica to consider everything before she left the safety of her small room. jessica would stand, neatly dressed with her hand on the doorknob.

eyes closed. remembering her dreams.

they started every day with the struggle of grandma's angry comb and jessica's tender scalp. pulling and braiding. pulling and braiding. pulling and braiding. her thoughts dulled by too much pain, any dust of her nighttime dreaming, thoroughly combed out. she would sit there white knuckling the edge of the hard kitchen chair. she would watch her mother, counting out the eggs. one egg, two eggs, three. she saw her mother wince when she winced - as if her hair was her hair, their scalps one aching plane they shared. but her mother never said a word. and jessica would sit there watching her mother's eyes escape out the kitchen window. and as grandma's hands squeezed the life out of everything, jessica wondered why her mother couldn't have counted everything twice?